The Art of Gathering: Purpose over Process
I have almost 50 first cousins, and I like and love them all. Sounds sappy, but I think it’s because it was always clear why we had to go visit the family every Sunday. The purpose was to see everyone, spend time with cousins, and maybe squeeze a few bucks from my uncle to go to the candy store. There was never any time for arguments because the purpose was to play nice with everyone.
I always thought this was the norm for most families, but hearing the stories about the complicated relationship folks have with their relatives that make things like a family dinner more like a chore than a cheerful occassion. It’s no suprise that loneliness is a leading cause in the harm we do to ourselves and within our communities. Who wants together with folks when it brings so much stress and anxiety?
I have been reading the book, "The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters," to build my facilitation and coaching practices. If clients are paying to meet with me, I need to ensure that the spaces are useful. I've listened to the author, Priya Parker, on several podcasts, but decided it was time to get the full details.
Parker is an expert on gatherings and conflict resolution. In the opening chapter, she talks about focusing on the purpose of each gathering/meeting, the "WHY" behind you are bringing people together, not the tasks. We often tell people what we will get done at our meetings (our outcomes), but do we always remind them of WHY everyone is in that room at that specific time?
NEW ADOPTED PRACTICE
I'm incorporating into each of my coaching sessions this practice of redefining the purpose over and over again. I make it a point to ask each client if they know why they are there and working together to build a shared understanding. It's been helpful in making time useful for folks and not just another meeting they are forced to go to by someone. Shared ownership of the WHY makes everyone responsible for holding the intention of a space and keeping everyone on track.
I have had some recent experiences where folks just walk into the coachig session and start spilling what they think I want to hear: a logistical update about what is happening in their work. They usually have bulletpoints written in their notebook. When they start reading from the list, this is when I have to work hard to listen and when I wish I had had that extra cup of coffee. It's not that what they are saying isn't interesting, I'm sure it actually is. The problem is that when you are sharing information without a clear purpose about why you are communicating it to the audience, it's just data without meaning.
I usually let folks finish, respond to what they just said, then "do you know why you and I are meeting?" Even if it's been our 3rd or 4th session. People are so used to being in autopilot in meetings that they forget that our space is not for logistics. It's a space for relationship, reflection and learning about themselves and their leadership.
I spent the week writing down my noticings with clients when I reset the space with a clear purpose. They smile. They make eye contact. Cross their arms. Uncross their arms. Tap their phone's home button. No matter the reaction, there's always a shift in the energy of the room.
When people have a clear understanding of why they are somewhere, they are willing to participate (to the best of their abilities) in accordance. It's like why no one ever thought to bring their musical instrument to gym class. If you know a space is about vulnerability, storytelling, and self-discovery, you’re more likely to bring courage and your true authentic self.
REFLECTION
Have any of you had experiences like that in a meeting, training, supervision, etc where you walked out wondering why you had to even be there? Do you think your staff or members of your t eam think that about the meetings/spaces you facilitate?
RESOURCE
Here's an example of a judge that decided to transform his courtroom into a justice center where he is still achieving the purpose (THE WHY) of a legal proceeding, but doing it in a whole new way that treats folks with diginity and care. Parker uses this program as an example of an insitutition that transformed their process to better align with their purpose.